Wednesday, September 7, 2011

On loss and love

I'm not sure how to start this post... but here we go:

On September 25,  which would be mine and Joseph's 1 year anniversary, we were going to announce that we were expecting an amazing little baby. I would have said that I was due April 14 and that we were hoping it to be a boy (though any sex would do). We would have been congratulated and doted upon. We would have started our baby registry and around Thanksgiving we would have found out the sex of the baby. (And hopefully through the process I would have gotten over my fear of needles...eesh).

But sometimes things don't work out. On Sunday, September 4th I began the process of miscarrying. I believe we completely lost the baby on Monday. I never really thought about what it would be like to have a miscarriage. I knew many of my loved ones have been through it but I didn't really know what the process was like and I didn't know about the physical and emotional pain.

It is surreal. Sometimes, I can't believe it. After only 8 weeks, the baby had already become such a huge part of Joseph and I. I want so badly to go back.

I would place my hands over my tummy like I was holding the most precious gift, and I was. I wanted to hold him forever, to keep him safe and cradled until he was ready to come out into the world. My hand still wants to go there to protect him, to keep him in place.

My sister had christened the baby with a name: Lord Voldemort. Not a conventional name to give a precious baby, but it was uniquely his none-the-less. Prior to finding out that I was pregnant, Katelyn was looking through a stage-by-stage pregnancy book. While looking at one of the photos of a baby, she exclaimed "that looks like Lord Voldemort." From then on, the baby in my tummy was known as Lord Voldemort (or Lord Volde for short).

The thought of how big the baby was, how already at 8 weeks, the baby has eyes with eyelids, its little hands and feet are forming. He is about the size of a raspberry. A little raspberry was in my tummy. The thought put me in a constant state of awe - that I was growing a little person.

While there is tremendous sadness and feelings of loss, there are always feelings of happiness - the baby had already brought so much joy to our lives. Joseph and I gained new titles: that of mommy and daddy.

The wound is still fresh, I go through moments of pure sadness thinking of how "I wanted that other...just that one". I wonder "why" and "what if".  But through it all, God is good. He knows the answers to all my "whys" and "what ifs". And I trust Him with it.

For a slight moment in our lives, we got to experience a different kind of love.  One that will be with us until we pass on.

We cannot thank everyone enough - those that have called, texted and visited. Thank you for loving us.


  1. Jessica,

    Thanks for posting this. i'm sure your writing about the process will help many.

    Love you both,


  2. I am so sorry Jessica. My thoughts are with you guys, and while things never seem to work out how you think they should, the Lord has a master plan, and this was meant to be for some reason that we may never understand. Trust in him and all will be well, hugs. Christina

  3. Jessica, I am so deeply sorry that this has happened. I am sending hugs, prayers, and love your way. I know you well enough to know that you were already an amazing mother even as your precious baby was only beginning their journey in growing. I pray that your pain is somehow lessened through all of this. So sorry, friend. *hugs*

  4. Hey girl. I am so sorry for your loss, Heavens gain. Only God knows why things like this happens. He just wanted to give someone to your grandpa to play with. When I had a misscarriage right before my dad passed away, I knew somehow that it was meant to be. God sent both of them to heaven for them to be together. God will bless you two with another one. He's just that Awesome of a God! If you need to talk, call me! love ya

  5. It is true we can never fully know the Mind of the Lord. Who would've thought that pain and tragedy causes strength and growth; darkness would make us appreciate light that much more; depression gives way to Joy in the morning? Our God's thoughts are so much higher than ours and His molding so much deeper than we want. May His Peace comfort you both during this time. As He always does, this will be used for His Glory. We love you both!

  6. Jessica I am so sorry honey. I know I have been there. From the moment you find out, that baby is real. It will get easier but neither of you will ever forget. I will be praying for you both.

  7. I'm continually sorry for your loss and have prayed during Mass for your healing. Remember, your child still has (and always will have) an immortal soul and Christ famously said that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to little children.

  8. Mike and I are so sorry for you and Joseph. We are sending prayers up to heaven and we are asking GOD to wrap his arms around you all. We love you!

  9. Thank you for the encouraging words! You are a wonderful Mommy yourself ;)

  10. Thank you for your kind words, Tabitha. I know that there is a plan and purpose, and I am trying not to question God.
    I know your Daddy is playing the piano for all of them :)

  11. Thank you Jesse, your prayers mean so, so much!

  12. I'm so sorry, Jessica. Loss is so difficult. I hope it feels gentler now that some time has passed. But I have to tell you, if you get your writing out there, you'll surely help others because you have a beautiful, expressive way of saying what some of us feel and can't put on paper, even when you're talking about pain. I felt all that you wrote.