Tuesday, October 11, 2011

As the cold comes on, thoughts of sweaters and bonfires, hot coffee and cold nights, fuzzy slippers and ice covered windshields, take over my mind.

This morning my windshield was fogged over, everything outside was blurry and I could barely see out. While many of you are thinking, "wow...that is dangerous" yes...it probably is; however, I wasn't driving. 

As I sat there, looking out of the greyish glass, I reflected that the past year felt exactly like what I was seeing. Cloudy, blurry, indistinguishable. I flipped on my wipers and things became clearer. There were still streaks of moisture...I realized I need new wiper blades.

I am in desperate need of new life. For God to come in and take over. It has been so long since I have felt anything: motivation, pure joy, etc... I am numb to everything, going through the motions of everyday life, doing just what needs to be done. I take little to no joy in what I am doing.

Two weeks ago, at Life Group, I felt the Holy Spirit. Before you stop reading and think I'm nuts...let me explain. We were around a table sharing prayer requests. Two girls agreed to pray (one of them not being me). As the first girl began to pray, I felt a strong urge to pray for one of the girls that has trouble sleeping. She wakes up feeling held down as if something is holding her.

So, the first girl continued praying and I felt really hot and my heart started racing. I was going to ignore the promt to pray but once she was finished praying I blurted out the prayer. It was short but I couldn't help but crying...though I really didn't know why I was crying. And my hands started to sweat and the heat was almost unbearable (sorry to the girls that had to hold my hands while praying...)

I don't say this to boast...I say it because that is what I want all the time. I want to feel the Holy Spirit. I want to feel God.


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Random thoughts for a Thursday

I haven't had much to blog about lately. Joseph and I celebrated our one year anniversary, quietly and simply.
My mom is dealing with the remnants of thyroid cancer. She starts radiation in two weeks and she is so exhausted. It is hard to be 2.5 hours away. I can't help her, clean for her, cook for her. I can't get the things she needs. Luckily, she has my dad and has had him for 32 years.
I find myself having jealousy issues towards those who are pregnant and/or have babies. I would have been twelve weeks this week but my baby never got "out of the woods".
On the other hand, we are now free to do as we please, travel, sleep in and not worry about another life. This brings about the issue of selfishness. Deep down, I want to continue being selfish, to not bring a baby into the mix because it's hard, tiring and completely changes your life. When you are someone who likes order and control, it is hard to think about losing that control.
Outside, the weather is fickle. Cold, warm, hot. Cold, warm, hot. Forever changing in what people call Indian Summers.
But it is time for bon fires, marshmallows and cider (or apple pie moonshine). It is time to pull out the sweaters but not yet time to put summer clothing away.
I find myself missing those I love so dearly. So much that my heart aches. I miss my mom and dad, I miss my sister, Katelyn, I miss my best friend, Vanessa.
I am missing out on their lives. Facebook can only do so much.

Anyway. Go listen to William Fitzsimmons.