i will carry you

I hate being a broken record, talking about the miscarriage and other macabre things. But sometimes things impact your life so much that you can get consumed.

I was reading the blog, I Will Carry You, that I just found through another wonderful mommy blogger, BoHoBabyBump, when I stumbled upon a song.

First, the story of this beautiful mommy and family: at around 23 weeks, Aleisa and William was told that their baby was not "compatible with life" as their sweet little one was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 while still in the womb. While many people would have decided to terminate the baby, they decided that Aleisa would carry full term. Baby Nora Rose was born yesterday, April 18. They expected her to be still born, or to not breathe once she came to the world. Aleisa prayed for Nora Rose. Her prayer was answered. I encourage you to read about and watch the photo montage of Nora's first moments, of the heartwrenching joy that came from answered prayers.

That simple act of selflessness is enough to move the biggest mountains, but it was a song that Aleisa posted on her blog on the 8th day after she found out that her baby had Trisomy 18 that caught and broke my heart and then healed it two seconds later.



The song is by Selah, titled, "I Will Carry You" (where Aleisa gained the name of her blog).
The song chronicles a mother's heart. I want to go stanza by stanza with you and explain all the emotion that comes from me, because if I don't do it here then I won't do it and I feel as if I need to release it out into the world. So, here goes:

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes,
Who could love you like this?

In a previous post, I wrote a letter to Lord Volde, my own precious one whom we lost in September. After only 8 weeks, I was attached and had dreamed dreams and had already fallen so in love with the little being inside of me.

People say that I'm brave, but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story,
Written long before me,
Because He loves you like this

To be honest, my initial reaction after the miscarriage was to be mad at God. To sit in hostile silence blaming Him for taking Lord Volde and declaring that I ONLY wanted HIM and no other baby. But it was also God who spread salve over my wounded heart and made me realize that there is a greater plan.

Chorus:
So I will carry you,
while your heart beats here.
Long beyond the empty cradle,
through the coming years.
I will carry you,
all my life.
And I will praise the one who's chosen me,
to carry you.

The woman I mentioned before that write the blog, iwillcarryyou, made this promise to her baby despite knowing the probable outcome. Beyond the promise, she decided to acknowledge our Father and praise Him despite the card she had been dealt. So often, we curse God because of what He doesn't give us or what He takes away. Very seldom do we praise Him for all the amazing things that happens because of Him. It wasn't until a week after our miscarriage that I was able to stop and praise God for the beautiful weeks we were pregnant. There was an incredible freedom in releasing God and not blaming Him. The bitterness subsided (though not altogether gone) and I was able to reflect on the life that was.

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness,
but I know.
That the silence
has brought me to His voice.
And he says,
I've shown her photographs of time beginning,
Walked her through the parted seas,
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes,
Who could love her like this?

Wow. This is the part that healed. Apart from the experience of miscarriage, this stanza applies to so much more. The lines, "All this madness/but I know/that the silence/has brought me to His voice", are true. When you pray and nothing happens, when you feel as if everything is falling apart and that God isn't listening. When you think that His silence is too much to bear, He is still faithful, He is still there. It reminds me of Matthew 6:26, "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?" It is hard to imagine the breadth of God's love for us.

The last stanza is the same exact chorus as above. I read this last stanza as God singing to us. Just as we carry our babies in our wombs and arms, God carries us. His promise, that no matter what we face, He has us. He knows our hearts. He knows our desires. He carries us through every trial we face. But most of all, He is carrying the little ones that were lost too soon.