Thursday, April 5, 2012

Dear Lord Volde:

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Seven months ago, we lost you. You were a mere eight weeks along, just beginning to have little fingers, toes and eyelids. You were the size of a kidney bean. You were my kidney bean.

You would have joined us on the outside very soon (if not already). Long since, we would have known if you were a boy or a girl and more than likely we wouldn’t still be calling you Lord Voldemort. (Though I am pretty sure your Auntie Katelyn would have held on to the nickname and embarrassed you at high school graduation by yelling it out for all to hear.)

It is hard to let go, to know that I should be big and pregnant with swollen feet, feeling you kick and squirm inside, ready to come out and see the world. Imagining what names we would have come up with and the colors of your nursery. Would you have green eyes like me? Or brown like your daddy? Would you have the Haltom bump on your nose? A ruddy complexion? Long fingers and toes?

Would you be a book worm, an athlete or both? Would you play t-ball or soccer? Dance or play piano? And the most important question: would you like Carolina or Clemson?

One thing is for sure, you would have been smart. I imagine reading to you, praying with and for you, playing with you, creating with you. However, one thing that I don’t think about is having to change your diaper.

I think of you often, every time I see a pregnant soon-to-be mommy or a little baby, when I talk to my friends who are pregnant or have babies of their own. I usually smile at your memory, at the joy that you brought during those few weeks that we knew about you. Sometimes there is a bitterness that creeps up especially when I see or hear people complaining about motherhood or those who choose to not have their babies.

But you were here, even if you were only a whisper. You were real. You had a life, no matter how short and for that life I rejoice. Ultimately, you are His. For that life I am grateful. You gave us new titles, that of Mommy and Daddy. We will tell your brothers and sisters about you and one day we will see you.

“You should know...
That your days here changed everything.
You are missed here and will always be
But you left here. The greatest gift of all.
Cause our hearts ache for home...”

~Home by Nicol Sponberg


  1. I was just thinking about Lord Voldemort and you today. You're amazing and I love you and am praying for you guys. Miss you xxxx

  2. this is beautiful jess, i love you

  3. You have such a gift with writing. Thank you for sharing your life and feelings. I love you!

  4. What joy that little life did bring, we are much better people for having this little blessing. I am thankful for you my daughter, and for the joy you brought from the time I knew about you, felt your first kick, changed your first "stinky" diaper, watched you sit, stand, walk and then run into your future. Only the gift of Salvation is greater than the gift of being a mother. You have experienced that love, and that won't be taken away. The memory will become a reality when we enter God's kingdom and you will hear "MOMMY!!!!!!!" and see your lil babe face to face. You and Drew better be prepared, I am sure your little ones are together now planning for the reunion! What a day that will be! Love you ,~Mom

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    1. Hi Jessica,

      I know you don't know me, but I am a friend of Kim Alfords. I was visiting her blog site and came across your's and looked interesting so I decided to read a couple blogs you posted. I came to this one and my heart just broke for you and my precious 3 little ones that I lost last year back to back due to miscarraige as well. I wrote about our journey in a post on my site entitled "We're having a baby". We are now currently pregant again with our sweet miracle boy child and due July 15th. There is not many days that go by when I do stop and think about my 3 babies the same way you did in the post. I loved reading it and thank you so much for exposing your heart. I know your heart and your is something that no one would ever truly understand until they have been there. I am weeping for you now and praying for you and your husband. Would love to follow each others blog posts!!! God bless you! ps. my name is Corey :)

    2. Corey,
      Thank you so much for visiting my blog! I just emailed you but I wanted to comment back on here as well :) I am so excited that you are having (or have already had!!!) a little one :)
      I cannot wait to travel around your blog and read about all the baby prep and then see precious pictures of the little angel.